ᴡᴀʟᴋɪɴɢ ᴀᴡᴀʏ 𝖿𝗋𝗈𝗆 𝓂𝓎 𝓌𝑜𝓇𝓀…

𝕊𝕠 𝕞𝕦𝕔𝕙 𝕙𝕒𝕤 𝕔𝕙𝕒𝕟𝕘𝕖𝕕 𝕚𝕟 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕝𝕒𝕤𝕥 𝕪𝕖𝕒𝕣.

𝖠𝗇𝖽 𝖨’𝗆 TᕼᖇIᒪᒪEᗪ 𝖿𝗈𝗋 ᑎEᗯ 𝖼𝗁𝖺𝗉𝗍𝖾𝗋𝗌 𝖺𝗇𝖽 ᑎEᗯ 𝗂𝗇𝗌𝗉𝗂𝗋𝖺𝗍𝗂𝗈𝗇. 𝖧𝗈𝗐𝖾𝗏𝖾𝗋, 𝖨’𝗏𝖾 𝖺𝗅𝗆𝗈𝗌𝗍 𝗐𝖺𝗅𝗄𝖾𝖽 𝖺𝗐𝖺𝗒 𝖿𝗋𝗈𝗆 𝗆𝗒 𝗐𝗈𝗋𝗄 𝗆𝗎𝗅𝗍𝗂𝗉𝗅𝖾 𝗍𝗂𝗆𝖾𝗌… 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗂𝖿 𝖨’𝗆 𝗁𝗈𝗇𝖾𝗌𝗍 𝗐𝗂𝗍𝗁 𝗒𝗈𝗎, 𝗈𝗇𝖾 𝗈𝖿 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗅𝖺𝗌𝗍 𝗍𝗂𝗆𝖾𝗌 𝗐𝖺𝗌 𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗌 𝗐𝖾𝖾𝗄.

🄸 🄲🄰🄽’🅃 🄱🄴 🄱🄾🅇🄴🄳… 𝖺𝗇𝖽 THIS 𝗍𝖾𝗇𝖽𝗌 𝗍𝗈 𝗁𝖺𝗉𝗉𝖾𝗇 𝗐𝗁𝖾𝗇 𝖨 𝖻𝖾𝖼𝗈𝗆𝖾 𝖺 𝗉𝖾𝗈𝗉𝗅𝖾 𝗉𝗅𝖾𝖺𝗌𝖾𝗋 𝗋𝖺𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗋 𝗍𝗁𝖺𝗇 𝗐𝖺𝗅𝗄𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗂𝗇 𝗆𝗒 𝖼𝖺𝗅𝗅…

𝗪𝗲 𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝗳𝗮𝗰𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗼𝗻 𝘀𝗼𝗺𝗲 𝗹𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗹.

𝖱𝖾𝖼𝖾𝗇𝗍𝗅𝗒, 𝖨’𝗏𝖾 𝗁𝖺𝖽 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗈𝗉𝗉𝗈𝗋𝗍𝗎𝗇𝗂𝗍𝗒 𝗍𝗈:

•𝖲𝗍𝗈𝗉🛑

••𝖯𝗋𝖾𝗌𝗌 𝖱𝖾𝗐𝗂𝗇𝖽↺

⇶Hit 𝖯𝗅𝖺𝗒▶

𝗜𝗻 𝗱𝗼𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗜 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝕊𝕥𝕒𝕣𝕥𝕖𝕕 𝘁𝗼 𝗳𝗶𝗻𝗱 𝗺𝘆 𝘃𝗼𝗶𝗰𝗲 𝗮𝗴𝗮𝗶𝗻…

༄𝗚𝗼𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗯𝗮𝗰𝗸 𝗍𝗈 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝗋𝗈𝗈𝗍𝗌 𝗁𝖺𝗌 𝖺 𝗐𝖺𝗒 𝗈𝖿 𝗅𝖾𝗏𝖾𝗅𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝖿𝗂𝖾𝗅𝖽.

𝖳𝗁𝖾𝗋𝖾’𝗌 𝗇𝗈 𝖺𝗆𝖻𝗂𝗍𝗂𝗈𝗇, 𝖻𝗎𝗍 𝗋𝖺𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗋 𝗋𝖾𝗆𝖾𝗆𝖻𝖾𝗋𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝖿𝗋𝗈𝗆 𝗐𝗁𝖾𝗋𝖾 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝗁𝖺𝗏𝖾 𝖿𝖺𝗅𝗅𝖾𝗇 𝗈𝗋 𝗐𝗁𝖾𝗋𝖾 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝗁𝖺𝗏𝖾 𝗋𝗂𝗌𝖾𝗇.

𝖣𝗈𝖾𝗌𝗇’𝗍 𝖢𝗁𝗋𝗂𝗌𝗍 𝗍𝖺𝗅𝗄 𝖺𝖻𝗈𝗎𝗍, “𝗋𝖾𝗍𝗎𝗋𝗇𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗍𝗈 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝖿𝗂𝗋𝗌𝗍 𝗅𝗈𝗏𝖾”?

𝖠𝗇𝖽 𝕋 ℍ 𝕀 𝕊 𝗂𝗌 𝗐𝗁𝖺𝗍 𝖨 𝗁𝖺𝗏𝖾 𝖿𝗈𝗎𝗇𝖽 𝗆𝗒𝗌𝖾𝗅𝖿 𝖽𝗈𝗂𝗇𝗀, 𝖺𝗌 𝖨 𝗉𝗅𝖺𝖼𝖾 𝗆𝗒 𝗅𝗂𝖿𝖾 𝗈𝗇 𝗉𝖺𝗉𝖾𝗋, 𝗌𝖾𝖾𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗉𝖾𝗋𝗌𝗉𝖾𝖼𝗍𝗂𝗏𝖾 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝖺𝗅𝗅 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗐𝖺𝗒𝗌 𝖧𝖾 𝗁𝖺𝗌 𝗆𝗈𝗏𝖾𝖽 𝗍𝗈 𝖻𝗋𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗆𝖾 𝗍𝗈 𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗌 𝗉𝗅𝖺𝖼𝖾 𝗐𝗁𝖾𝗋𝖾 𝖨 𝗌𝗂𝗍 𝗍𝗈𝖽𝖺𝗒… 𝖻𝖾𝖿𝗈𝗋𝖾 𝗒𝗈𝗎.

𝖨 𝗏𝖺𝗅𝗎𝖾 𝗆𝗒 𝖼𝗅𝗂𝖾𝗇𝗍𝗌 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗆𝗒 𝖼𝗎𝗌𝗍𝗈𝗆𝖾𝗋𝗌, yo𝗎𝗋 𝗉𝗋𝖺𝗒𝖾𝗋𝗌 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝗅𝗈𝗏𝖾 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗌𝗎𝗉𝗉𝗈𝗋𝗍 𝗁𝖺𝗏𝖾 be𝖾𝗇 𝗍𝗋𝖾𝗆𝖾𝗇𝖽𝗈𝗎𝗌…𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗋𝖾 𝗂𝗌 𝗇𝗈𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗅𝗂𝗄𝖾 𝖼𝗈𝗆𝗆𝗎𝗇𝗂𝗍𝗒.

𝖶𝗁𝗂𝖼𝗁 𝗂𝗌 𝕎𝕙𝕪 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝗀𝗈𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗍𝗈 𝖻𝖾𝗀𝗂𝗇 𝗍𝗈 𝗌𝖾𝖾 𝗆𝖾, 𝗎𝗇𝖺𝗌𝗁𝖺𝗆𝖾𝖽 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝖿𝗋𝖾𝖾 𝗍𝗈 𝗌𝗉𝖾𝖺𝗄 𝗎𝗉 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗌𝗉𝖾𝖺𝗄 𝗈𝗎𝗍 𝗐𝗁𝖾𝗇 𝗉𝗋𝗈𝗆𝗉𝗍𝖾𝖽…

𝖸𝗈𝗎 𝗐𝗂𝗅𝗅 𝖻𝖾 𝗌𝖾𝖾𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝖺𝗅𝗈𝗍 𝗈𝖿 ℕ𝕖𝕨 ℍ𝕚𝕘𝕙𝕖𝕣 𝔼𝕟𝕕 FINE ART 𝗂𝗇 𝗆𝗒 𝗌𝗁𝗈𝗉, 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗆𝗈𝗏𝖾𝗆𝖾𝗇𝗍 𝗂𝗇 𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗌 𝗇𝖾𝗐 𝗐𝖾𝖻𝗌𝗂𝗍𝖾.

“A𝖻𝗌𝗍𝗋𝖺𝖼𝗍…𝖨 𝗄n𝗈𝗐 𝗂𝗍 𝗂𝗌 𝖺 very 𝗆𝗂𝗌𝗎𝗇𝖽𝖾𝗋𝗌𝗍𝗈𝗈𝖽 𝖺𝗋𝗍𝖿𝗈𝗋𝗆, 𝖻𝗎𝗍 𝗂𝗍 𝗂𝗌 𝗈𝗇𝖾 𝗈𝖿 𝗆𝗒 𝖿𝖺vo𝗋𝗂𝗍𝖾𝗌, 𝖺𝗅𝗅𝗈𝗐𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗆𝖾 𝗍𝗈 𝖾𝗑𝗁𝖺𝗅𝖾 𝗐𝗁𝖺𝗍 𝗂𝗌 𝗌𝗈 𝖽𝖾𝖾𝗉𝗅𝗒 𝗅𝗈𝖼𝗄𝖾𝖽 𝗂𝗇𝗌𝗂𝖽𝖾.

𝐼 𝑎𝑚 𝑠𝑜 𝑡ℎ𝑎𝑛𝑘𝑓𝑢𝑙 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑔𝑖𝑓𝑡 𝑜𝑓 𝑎𝑟𝑡 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑗𝑜𝑢𝑟𝑛𝑒𝑦 𝑖𝑡 ℎ𝑎𝑠 𝑎𝑙𝑙𝑜𝑤𝑒𝑑 𝑚𝑒 𝑡𝑜 𝑤𝑎𝑙𝑘…𝑜𝑛𝑒 𝑜𝑓 𝑙𝑜𝑠𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑎𝑛𝑑𝑓𝑖𝑛𝑑𝑖𝑛𝑔.

𝖨 𝖺𝗆 𝗍𝗁𝖺𝗇𝗄𝖿𝗎𝗅 𝗍𝗈 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝖫𝗈𝗋𝖽 𝖿𝗈𝗋 𝖧𝗂𝗌 𝑔𝑟𝑎𝑐𝑒 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗁𝗈𝗅𝖽𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗎𝗉 𝗆𝗒 𝖺𝗋𝗆𝗌 𝗍𝗈 𝗉𝖺𝗂𝗇𝗍 𝖺𝗇𝖽 ＷＡＲ𝗈𝗇 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝖼𝖺𝗇𝗏𝖺𝗌, 𝗐𝗁𝖾𝗇 𝖾𝗏𝖾𝗋𝗒𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗇𝗀 wi𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗇 𝗆𝖾 𝗁𝖺𝗌 𝗐𝖺𝗇𝗍𝖾𝖽 𝗍𝗈 𝖼𝗈𝗅𝗅𝖺𝗉𝗌𝖾 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗋𝖾𝗍𝗋𝖾𝖺𝗍.

“…𝗯𝘂𝘁 𝗵𝗲 𝘄𝗵𝗼 𝘀𝗼𝘄𝘀 𝘁𝗼 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗦𝗽𝗶𝗿𝗶𝘁 𝘄𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗦𝗽𝗶𝗿𝗶𝘁 𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗽 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿𝗹𝗮𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗹𝗶𝗳𝗲. 𝗔𝗻𝗱 𝗹𝗲𝘁 𝘂𝘀 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗴𝗿𝗼𝘄 𝘄𝗲𝗮𝗿𝘆 𝘄𝗵𝗶𝗹𝗲 𝗱𝗼𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗴𝗼𝗼𝗱, 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗶𝗻 𝗱𝘂𝗲 𝘀𝗲𝗮𝘀𝗼𝗻 𝘄𝗲 𝘀𝗵𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗽 𝗶𝗳 𝘄𝗲 𝗱𝗼 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝗲 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿𝘁.”

𝐼 𝑠𝑎𝑦 𝑡𝑜 𝑚𝑦 𝑠𝑜𝑢𝑙…𝑑𝑜 𝑛𝑜𝑡 𝑙𝑜𝑠𝑒 ℎ𝑒𝑎𝑟𝑡.

…in my bath robe and wrecked hair under Your Crepe Myrtle Tree.

I was studying in Job this morning…and I was taken to the passage in 1 Corinthians 3…

Paul was explaining to us how our body is the temple in which the Holy Spirit of God dwells when we receive Jesus… and the Lord will destroy those who destroy His temple. He then went on to write …

“Therefore let no man glory in men. For all things are yours;

Whether Paul, or Apollos, or Cephas, or the world, or life, or death, or things present, or things to come; all are yours; And ye are Christ's; and Christ is God's.”

And it was so striking to me

…the words…

Every. word.

“Whether…

Paul.

Apollos.

Cephas.

The World.

Our Life.

Our Death.

Things present.

Things to come.

ALL. ARE. YOURS.

Ye are Christ’s.

Christ is Gods.”

Peace fell over my entire being.

Our humanness, whether in greatness or in frailty.

Every single part of our life is Gods.

Everything. From the toast with Kerry gold butter on my plate-to the wrinkles that trace across my forehead.

The hairs…falling from my head daily- that I’m strained over-he is counting and recounting every time one falls to the ground- because every single strand is His.

I just sat back in my chair and breathed

Deep…

I could pore over this passage my whole life long. And forever again.

An old painting came to

mind so I went searching to find it.

Digging into an old box, I wiped the dust from the cover and opened to this photo that

I taken of this piece from 18 years ago with mamas 35mm. I had it developed and placed it in my fresh new portfolio…because we didn’t have IG or FB back then. Just “My Space”.

(Laughing to myself writing this, thinking-as my oldest daughter has said,

“That is Back from the 1900’s mom!”

Which I Yelp, “What!?” With my big eyeballs!)

This painting was a commission for a friends Sunday school class…and today I was drawn to bring it back to life.

I modified and added my love for the light- the burning flame that for me represents Christ’s presence- as well as the burning away of all that is old…

A finite representation of this dwelling place-this Holy habitation-where the Spirit of Promise, the Lord of the Sabbath chooses to

Dwell…in us. With us. Our Emmanuel.

He says, I will be with you always, even to the end of the age…

I’ve been grasping for comfort for months- praying and seeking godly counsel, reading everything as time permits … but nothing has taken the place of this fresh word from Jesus-today. His written word.

You know, he says, obedience is better than sacrifice- and I see it today-amidst all

Of my drive to abide.

Jesus, has been whispering to me, “Go back to Job.”

And I’ve found every reason not to…failing to realize, it was in this place of simple

obedience, where he wanted me to find rest. THE rest I’ve been BEGGING FOR-

It was right here. All along.

Soaking in Job, which through searching, He set my gaze to Corinthians.

His heart of long suffering for us knows no end…doesn’t He say, you will

find me- when you search for me with all your heart?

Thank you Jesus for meeting me in all that is yours today-my bath robe and wrecked hair-on the front lawn under your crepe myrtle tree.

“How deep the Father’s love for us,

How vast beyond all measure,

That He should give His only Son

To make a wretch His treasure.

How great the pain of searing loss –

The Father turns His face away,

As wounds which mar the Chosen One

Bring many sons to glory.

Behold the man upon a cross,

My sin upon His shoulders;

Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice

Call out among the scoffers.

It was my sin that held Him there

Until it was accomplished;

His dying breath has brought me life –

I know that it is finished.

I will not boast in anything,

No gifts, no power, no wisdom;

But I will boast in Jesus Christ,

His death and resurrection.

Why should I gain from His reward?

I cannot give an answer;

But this I know with all my heart –

His wounds have paid my ransom.”

~Stuart Townend

I finally did it…

Monumental moment…

it’s been over three years since I pulled out Kadesh's Juicer...it's been pressing to bring it out-but I just couldn't...tears, in tears I made my first glass today. It was all I could do to smell the fresh vegetables...and the taste. Kadesh and I would make them together, and I would drink mine as I pushed his through his tube...I was always seeking to save him and nourish him with all that I had in me to give.

I feel I’m in the same position today, yet fighting for myself. People assume that since you lost your child three

years ago, that somehow it’s over and things are better… nothing could be further from the truth. Things are different.

But never better. How could they be?

Life has been a complete rage and blur since I surrendered Kadesh... setting timers all day long due to the constant feeling of displacement.

Crippling Forgetfulness due to grief and trauma-that elevated even greater after we lost Kadesh. No amount of days or hours that pass have changed any of the feelings.

You think your making it. Another day down. You “look good” on the “outside”-pushing back and suppressing, because to be any other way would bring discomfort to everyone around you…”you're so strong“ they say…but you know in your heart of hearts- you can’t keep running. Bearing down- hammering through-is only going to last but for so long, because it is coming-to catch you. The harder you run-the faster the pace of grief picks up. Hunting you down. To stop, turn around

and face this is to be consumed.

As they say, the body keeps the score, and my lips whisper, "Jesus" for His grace to lend me just one more second. You’re Emotions reel like a carousel, but this ride never stops …it’s not a pity party that any of us as mothers and fathers are after… it’s remembering our precious one- this-is what we fight for. To Honor them, to make a legacy for them. To hear someone say their name- out loud - it’s never offensive.

To hear “Kadesh” is breath to me- my heart skips with Joy! As a parent who has lost their child-I daily- seek my son-and even saying I lost

my son- I literally don’t even know what that means…

Truth tells me, Kadesh is with Jesus, because he gave his heart to Him.

But my present reality has yet to catch up…and to be honest, I’m afraid for it to.

Daily we look for our babies in the faces of those we love -in the ones they love- we are a tapestry of each other’s lives. Interwoven laughter-tears-moments of triumph and grief- our spirits bear the memories. And they speak. We grasp at the wind it seems seeking to embrace these places where We connect... My

prayer almost daily is GOD HELP ME REMEMBER. It’s been the greatest infirmity I feel I have faced, and everything that has followed has been a result of suppressing the cry to remember. It’s a double edged sword.

Jesus we ask for your breath, O Lord, to blow upon the flame that has winnowed… that you would lift us up from the waste places…that you would strengthen us where our feet slip and our hearts break, we know we are but dust, but you see our frame, and you chose to redeem us because of your compassionate love… O Father, we ask for your mercy in this wilderness for the water of Your Word to rush over us and through us… Lord that you would bring a refreshing to our spirit.

We need you Jesus.